The Following Message Has Been Transcribed For Clarity, Continuity Of Thought, And Punctuation By The LEM Transcribing & Editing Team.
Okay, you're absolutely right, the anointing came down. So there is just tremendous growth everywhere, there's tremendous judgment, and there's tremendous growth, they go together. So this is what the Psalms is talking about when they say, "Oh Lord bring down your judgment", the carnal mind thinks you're crazy, saying, "what are you praying for judgment for?" Because there's another side to this, the one side is judgment and the other side is spiritual growth, and the glory and the blessings of God. So this is why the judgment is, I rejoice at this story I was telling you before xxxx started the tape, that these people are under judgment, because I feel in my heart and I've told you this months ago, that the Lord is really calling them to his spiritual ministry, and again I emphasize, that's it's not Living Epistles, this Living Epistles that we have here, it's just a watering hole, there is one ministry. The Scripture says there is one baptism, there's just one ministry and it's in Christ Jesus, one baptism into Christ Jesus, the one ministry is into Christ Jesus, and he happens to be manifesting here at this time. I pray that we never lose the anointing, I pray that we all stay on the straight and narrow, that I stay on the straight and narrow, that I should have the privilege of partaking of this glory for the rest of my days, unless I stand up and live forever. But when I talk about this ministry, I'm not talking about Living Epistles, I'm talking about the ministry, that involves the instruction and the doctrine of Christ, it involves judgment which is the exposure of your sin, and it involves the crushing of wild branches that are growing out of your tree, pride and rebellion and Jezebel, errors in your personality, taking authority that isn't yours, talking out of turn, cutting that off, and bringing forth the cultivated branches of the taking of authority in righteousness where it's Christ in you saying this is the right thing to do. So it's a whole spiritual ministry that is coming forth here. Right now as far as I know it's here, maybe it's in other places, the Lord has not led me to those people. And I think eventually it's going to spread, but every move of God that has ever started it started small. It was just Jesus and the twelve disciples, and then it spread. It's a whole program here, if you compare it to a college program, it's a whole well balanced program that you sit here and you get the instruction, you learn the doctrine of Christ, you learn about your inner spiritual principles that are negative, and then you have to go to laboratory, in college they have laboratory, you have to practice, you have theory, and you have laboratory. So you sit in class for theory, and then it could be a science course where you go and you do experiments with chemistry or with biology or it could be a language laboratory. You go to school and you learn instruction in French or Spanish, and then you have time, certain required hours in language lab, where you sit there with headphones on and you talk to some record and you practice speaking in this other language. You've got to practice. The churches that don't give the people an opportunity to practice are crippling the people, you just preach to them and preach to them and you preach to them, and they just sit there. You've got to practice, see.
It's got to come alive in you, what I'm preaching to you has to come alive in you, yet you're not suppose to be clones, you're not suppose to be rubber stamps of me, because it's not me the personality, it's Christ in me, it's suppose to come alive in you, and when he comes alive in you, he's suppose to express himself through your personality, and that makes you unique, even though it's Christ in you and it's Christ in me, and it's Christ in you and it's Christ in you, each one of us is unique, because it's Christ shining through our personality, and each of our personalities is unique, and this is what he wants to do here. And this is what he is doing here. And it's spreading out. This is the ministry of Christ Jesus, Christ in you the hope of glory, Christ the tree of life, Christ Jesus the tree of life, rooted in the earth of your personality and growing up into a great tree which expressing himself through your individual personality. So we're not going to clones of each other, you may want to copy somebody for a season, just like children copy their parents for a season, until your creativity comes forth. But Christ Jesus wants to lay hold of every ability that you possess and he wants to express himself through it. Every ability of mind, and of physical skill, talents that you might have, to build or whatever you have. He wants to lay hold of everything that is you, and express himself through you. And this may sound shocking to people who don't understand that we the personality and this body, we would collapse like a balloon, if a spirit wasn't manifesting through our self, it's not Christ Jesus, it's Satan and Leviathan expressing themselves through us, and that's the stumbling block that people can't get past, they have trouble believing, well the me that I've known all my life, that, that's Satan and Leviathan manifesting through me, but it's the truth and if you're a nice person, well it's just the good side of Satan and Leviathan manifesting through you. So that's the stumbling block.
So this ministry it's a difficult ministry because wherever you go, wherever you go people come under judgment, and you have to learn how to handle yourself because you don't want to be sinning against them.
We have to be harmless as doves, and that means every time we make a mistake you have to be willing to admit that we made a mistake, and we have to have sin exposed in us, because you can't, you just can't go and, you can't minister this ministry to people if you're not in touch with your own sin.
Everybody has sin, we're still all mortal, Satan's in there, Leviathan is in there, she's not been silenced in me, Satan is the one who must be silenced, and we're not just talking about verbal speech, we're talking about spiritual speech, inaudible speech, and this is though, inaudible speech is thought, sin begins with a thought. Sin is in you, starts in your unconscious mind, and bubbles up into your subconscious and eventually into your conscious mind. So for us to live forever, you become sinless, and in order to become sinless, Satan must be silenced, and Satan is an energy stream that moves with vibration, and when she vibrates in the depths of our personality which is earth, she marks our earth. And it's those markings that call down death upon us. So Satan must be silenced, our vibration must cease, see.
So the sin comes from deep within us, and now I want to talk a little about xxxx experience today. Xxxx said something about a gnawing feeling inside of her. Well I really think that's exciting because I could sit here and preach to you for the next twenty years and it won't become real to you until you experience it. Sin will gnaw at you, see, you said that you had a thought in your mind and you really didn't want to say it, but this was the way you said it to me, there was something inside gnawing at you, until finally you just said it. Well it's the understanding that gives us our defense, because you didn't understand that it was Satan your unconscious mind saying, "say it, say it", and Christ in you was saying, "No, it's wrong to say that." But because you didn't understand that it was sin knocking at the door, you see, the Scripture talks about sin knocking at the door. Well today, I think this is a day of rejoicing for you xxxx, you experienced and recognized Satan knocking at your door, and even though she, you said what you shouldn't have said, look at what's come out of it? You now understand and recognize and have a memory to draw upon that Satan came knocking at your door, and even though you said come in, and she came in and as that Scripture in Isa., said and you laid down and became a street and you walked over you, and used your mouth to do, to try to do damage, I wouldn't even look at it from that point of view, I'm rejoicing that after all of these years of sitting in this ministry, you now have had an experience of your own, that at least you recognized the gnawing inside of you.
And I've been preaching here about spiritual release for a long time. Sin is an energy that builds up inside of you and then look, it's like trapped air inside of you, it looks for a release. Years ago, I was calling it spiritual orgasm, and that's really what it is, it's an energy, it's a tension that builds up inside of you and gnaws at you until you do, until you say or do, what that pressure is driving you to do. Now what you experienced today, this is what alcoholics and drug addicts experience, this is what people who have any kind of bondage experience, whether it's adultery, or homosexuality or kleptomaniac, they go out and they steal. Some people have this compulsion to gamble, to spend money on credit cards, this is what they're up against, and think it's a day of rejoicing that now you have at least the beginning of an understanding of people who are trapped by compulsion. Because you cannot help people if you've never experienced this in your life, or if you, I think everybody experiences it, but you haven't been aware of it, okay, you have no understanding of sin gnawing at you, okay, and you yielding to it, if you've never experienced it, it's impossible for you to have compassion on anyone who's overcome by sin, and this is the definition of Pharisee, someone who has no conscious awareness of ever being manipulated or pressured by sin. And their life is in order and they look at someone who can't control themselves in some area, and whether they say it or not, they're thinking well I control myself, I always exaggerate when I give you examples like this, well what's your problem, you better shape up and fly straight, I don't do that you know.
I don't go out and commit adultery when I'm mad at my husband, I don't steal when I see something that I can't afford, what's your problem? And there's absolutely no compassion at all, and I'm not saying that we should encourage people to yield to their compulsions, but if you have had an experience of that gnawing inside of you, and this was a very minor damage that was done, very minor, if you can just relate in some way to the war that's going inside of the alcoholic for example, who's fighting against taking that drink, and resisting and resisting and that gnawing is inside of him and that gnawing is inside of him, then you can strengthen him to resist the gnawing through your understanding of what he's going through.
So I think that you have had a tremendous breakthrough today, I think it's a time for rejoicing, that you came face to face with Satan, within your own spiritual being today. You may your strong enemy today. And the Scripture became alive unto you, she knocked on your door. Satan waits at the door. Jesus said, "I knock at the door", and if you let me in, I'll come in and I'll eat with you, that means he'll develop a spirit tie with you, Satan knocks at the door. Jehovah said to Cain, sin waits at the door, I don't think the word "knock" came out in Genesis, he said, sin lieth at the door, waiting for you to open the door and let her in.
So there are just breakthroughs on every front. As I told you off the tape people, who the Lord has been calling for years, who never really honestly leveled with me, this one woman said to me today, "your message is so different than the church message, I can't even deal with it." I said that's wonderful that you can even say that to me. Eleven years the Lord's calling you to this message, and eleven years you're playing games with me. She wouldn't admit to me that she thought it was off the wall. Then I had another woman call me from another state, who was very communicative and she the Lord is really reeling her in, she's been, I hear from her from time to time for probably six years already, six or seven years already, and she has told me openly that some of the things that I preach really distress her. Well she manifests, she's very physically ill and think she has some emotional problems and when she reads my stuff, she manifests, of course she feels distressed, but this woman is completely sold out to Jesus Christ, clinging to him with everything that she's got, and he keeps sending her back here.
He keeps sending her back here, she can't get away from it. And now she tells me in the last conversation that none of the other ministers, she calls all the ministers, she's desperate for help, she's very physically ill, she's desperate for help, she's at this point, no one will pray for her anymore, they're all condemning her that they have prayed for her and she hasn't gotten well, but I don't condemn her, because I know what she needs. I know that there is no prayer that is going to make her well, and I know that I don't have any prayer that's going to make her well, but that if I had the power of Jesus Christ, I could make her well. See I'm sitting here saying to you, I don't have the power to make her well, but some ministers would condemn her for not getting well, you see. But I know that with what the Lord has given me today, I cannot make her well, but I can help her, I can set her on the path that will lead to wholeness. I know what she needs, I know that she needs the doctrine of Christ and I know that she needs her sins exposed, and she's taking teeny tiny steps in that direction right now, which I first mentioned sin to her she flipped out.
So there's a great whirlwind in the spirit and in that whirlwind is judgment, and with the judgment is growth and with the judgment is pain, there's much pain, there's tears. I use to read in the book of Revelation, "And there shall be no more tears", and I use to say, "Well what is that all about?" And then I started crying, and I cried for several years, I cried for several years.
You start crying when you start seeing what's in your own heart, and you start crying when you see your own weaknesses towards Satan's manipulation. See when you're not in the warfare, you have no idea of how weak you are, and then when you see Satan's power to manipulate you from within like you experienced today, then you realize how weak you are, then you start gravitating towards Christ Jesus in a way that you never have before, I know that you've been in the Lord for twenty or more years, but not in this respect see, this is a whole new ball game, and then once you see how weak you are in your relationship with the Satan that's inside of you, a fifth column inside of you, once you can face that and you start moving closer to Christ in this area in that weakness you become strong you see. In your recognition of your inability to deal with this, it's a thought, she's a thought process that rises up with subtle suggestions that pressures you to do what she wants you to do, and once you hear it, and you start cleaving to Jesus Christ, to not do what she wants, you see it's not enough to not do what she wants you to do. If you just ignore her, she will wear you down, Satan will wear you down, you cannot see sin in your mind and just say Oh, I won't do that, she will keep at you until you have a weak moment, you're over tired you're over hungry, you have a fight with your wife or with your husband, and she'll move right in and get you to do the sin that she's been trying to influence you to do for a long time.
You've got to, you can't coexist with her, when you perceive the thoughts of sin in your mind, you've got to go before the Lord immediately and say, "Father there is sin in my mind, I confess it, I am guilty, it's in me, it's a part of me", and then curse her and burn her in the lake of fire and ask the Lord to help you. And this is the beginning of the separation of your Christ mind from your carnal mind, that's the beginning, you've got to turn against yourself, you see, there's two sides of you, and one the side of you has to turn against the other of you. The side of you that desires righteousness has to turn against the side of you that's darkness and you can't do that unless the side of you that desires righteousness cleaves unto Christ because you're not strong enough to do it alone, and that is the beginning of the civil war.
There's war inside of you, to deliver yourself by the power of Christ Jesus from Satan's influence, and you've got to do it, because if you don't do it, as the mind control in this country intensifies you will be caught up in the flood. You cannot be influenced by any voice other than the voice of Christ Jesus, you cannot be influenced by the inner voice of Satan, or the suggestion from another man, or some other human being, no matter how persuasive they are. And the two go together, if Satan within you is having her way with you whenever she wants, because you're not even in the warfare, you're probably a person that's easily influenced by other people. This is the day to stand.
Someone came to me in a church service that I went to and she had a pile of I didn't realize what they were at the time, but they were a pile of fliers, and she said to me, lay your hands on this and bless it and pray for it, and I started to ask what it was and she didn't want to tell me, she said just pray for it, just pray for it. Now there was a time I would have just done it, but I didn't, I picked up one of the papers on the pile and I looked at it, I don't pray for what I don't know I'm praying for, and the fact that she was out of order in asking me to do that, would not save me from the consequences of obeying her instructions. If I had done that, it would have been sin unto me. Even though it was just fliers for a church, because that would have been idolatry, I would have submitted to the mind of man rather than the righteousness of God, because the righteousness of God says, you do not pray for a pile of papers that you don't know what's written on the pile of papers and the righteousness of God says, you don't let any man control you like that.
You have to know what you're praying about, and you have to be in full agreement with that prayer, with Christ, you cannot be commanded by another person to pray for something without a knowledge of what you're praying for. We're being taught to be trees, that the tree of life should be rooted and grounded in us and we the personality should be the servant of that tree, and not of anyone else's tree. Now there are certain things you do if you go into a church service, you're suppose to submit to the church service, you submit to the pastor, you be quiet in the church, if they ask you to open your Bible, you open your Bible, but that's not hidden. Someone asks you to sit in a particular seat or hang up your coat or open a door, or open to a certain book in the Bible, there's nothing wrong with that, but to ask somebody to pray for something when they don't know what it is, that is witchcraft. Now the woman doesn't know that it's witchcraft, but it's still witchcraft, and if you yield to that witchcraft, you're as guilty as the person who asked you to do it.
So the Lord wants us to be very strong in the power of his righteous might, he wants us to rule wherever we go. Now when I say to rule wherever we go, you have to understand that to submit out of strength is ruling, if you go into someone else's church and you submit and you sit where they want you to sit, or you open your Bible when they ask you to open your Bible or you stand up when they ask you to stand up, that is submission out of strength. You have decided to submit to this authority because God sent you into this church. This is the kind of submission that a wife is suppose to have to her husband, she's not suppose to be a weak minded, emotionally weak, or weak minded person. A wife is suppose to be fully strong in Christ Jesus who submits to her husbands Godly rule, because that's what the Lord requires of her to have peace in that household. We're suppose to be complete in him, complete in him, tall trees of righteousness influencing other people. We're not suppose to be influenced by anyone except Christ Jesus, but we are suppose to influence the people who do not have Christ Jesus. We're suppose to influence them for good, we're not suppose to use witchcraft tactics, just because Christ is in us, we're not supposed to go to somebody and say here pray for this, you don't have to know. I think she even said to me, you don't have to know what it is just pray.
Christ doesn't do that, you see, so if you Christ in you and you do something like that, that was your carnal mind that came up, Christ doesn't do that. Christ teaches, Christ corrects for the purpose of the person's growth, Christ gives an example of cooperation and working together, and submission to authority. Christ moves in a manner that produces peace and harmony, and that doesn't mean you're going to have it right away. But you can very meek and very strong at the same time. The Scripture says Moses was the meekest man that ever lived. That doesn't mean he was weak, he was meek, he wasn't weak, and if you look it up in the Hebrew text what it means is, is that Moses was in intense submission to Jehovah, and I believe that he was in an imputed full stature. He was fully submitted, his carnal mind was fully covered over so that Jehovah through the mediator was Michael, lived through Moses during that wilderness experience when Moses was the leader of Israel. Jehovah was living through him. Michael took up residence in Moses' person and Jehovah had a relationship with Michael and Moses.
That's why we read about Moses and Michael in the book of Jude, saying Michael was fighting for Moses' body. Michael was indwelling Moses. So we now know that Satan indwells us and Leviathan indwells us, and the Fiery Serpent indwells us. We know the Holy Spirit indwells us. Christ Jesus indwells us, all spiritual principles are within, and everything that we outside of our self is a reflection of what's inside of us. Jesus promised or the Scripture promises that our enemies will be at peace with us.
Well brethren, when Christ Jesus in you is mature enough and strong enough to control Satan and Leviathan within, you will have peace with all men. But you never have peace with all men when you're weak, you have to peace out of strength. You have to have peace out of strength, you can't have peace when you're weak see. First you have to get strong. I heard a testimony today that really blessed me from someone who's been studying with us for a while, and this person had, and there was a man in her life, a friend of the family that frequently would say something to her, that you really shouldn't be talking to a lady like that, he's just a friend of the family, comes and goes, and it was really bothering her. And she had asked him over the last couple of years several times to not talk to her like that, and he didn't stop. Well the day of judgment came in her life today, she said to him on the phone, I really don't think you should be talking to me like that, I really feel it's wrong. And he said to her, I'll talk to any woman I want to like that, and she said something like you shouldn't even be talking to a man like that, and he said, "I'll talk anyone that I want to like that." And he was totally unreasonable, and she rose up with a right answer, and said, "Well I'm really sorry you feel that way, but if that's what you insist on, we won't have anything to say to you, I will not relate to you anymore. And there was just silence on the telephone, and she said goodbye and she hung up. That is righteousness in Christ.
If you feel that someone is not treating you properly, that there's a subtle sexual innuendo or any other kind of innuendo or manipulation in your relationship with a person, the Scripture says, you go and you talk to them. Now the right thing for the man to say, he could have said to her, I can't see what you're saying, I don't believe that it's wrong, but if you're distressed by what I'm saying to you, I won't talk like that around you. That's what he should have said. You go to somebody and you say what you're saying offends me and their response to you is, I'll talk that way to anyone I want, you won't talk to me that way, because I won't talk to you anymore. This is an unreasonable man. This is what we're suppose to be like. It's very rare to find this in the church today. Most of the people in the church, they won't confront you because they don't know how to confront you, I cannot even criticize people in the church for not confronting, because if you're not trained to confront in Christ Jesus, you're better off not confronting. But you have to learn how to confront in Christ Jesus. You have to learn how to confront without sinning. You have to talk, you have to communicate and you have to give the person every chance to make a change, and the Scripture says, if they hear you they're your brother and if they don't hear you they're a heathen. If the person is completely off the wall in this one area, if you have a relationship with them and in this one area they're saying to you, I don't want you to relate to me that way, and you say to them, "I'll relate to you any way I want to", I have nothing to say about the way you will relate to me, no respect, no honor, no consideration.
You leave me no choice but to say that's the end of the relationship. This is what we have to come to. Now don't misunderstand me, I'm not talking about you going or me going to somebody and saying this is what I want you to do, and if you don't do it, I won't have a relationship with you anymore, I'm talking about how you treat me, me. I don't want you to treat me that way, I'm not talking about the way you cross your legs or wink your eye, I'm not coming to you and saying I don't like the way your ear looks, or I don't like your eyeglass frames and I want you to change them, that's witchcraft. I'm saying the way you treat me, it's offensive to me and I would like you to stop. The person should stop. They should stop. Does anyone not understand the difference of what I'm saying here, they should stop. When someone curses, I really would rather, please don't in front of me it's offensive to me, they should stop.
They could be the worse person in the world, they could go outside of your house, or wherever you know them from, from your cubby hole where you work and they could be the biggest curser in the world, but if it's genuinely disturbing you, they should not do it around you, because it's violation to force themselves on you, when you ask them to please not do that. This is called having authority in Christ Jesus, but it has to grow up in you, it has to be that tree of life that bubbles up in you, you can't do it out of your carnal mind, so you should be quiet, your carnal mind should be silent. You practice being silent in your carnal mind and in due season the righteous Christ, the righteous, the tree of righteousness in Christ Jesus will arise in you and start talking through you with authority, and you don't have to raise your voice. You don't have to talk strongly, it's something that's inside of you, it's a toughness, but it's a Godly toughness that's inside of you. The Lord said to Ezekiel, I'll make your forehead as hard as flint, that's what he's talking about, I've seen it happen to me, I wasn't always like this, where there's such a strength in you that you could speak to the people in kindness and they just know that there's no point in arguing, the spiritual authority which is in Christ Jesus, but it has to come out of righteousness. If you're doing something and it's not really Christ well then you're deceiving yourself. It's got to be in righteousness and it has to have to do with you, although it could have to do with intervening in a situation with other people but it has to be Christ.
You have to be very careful, and I can't tell you that it's always the case but it's been my experience that Christ only comes forth in this kind of strength after a season of the person making the sacrifice of silence. I don't mean you never talk, I mean in controversial issues, make the sacrifice of silence, and let Christ Jesus be your defense and in due season, his righteousness will be coming out of you, for whoever the Lord manifests it to. Sometimes he interferes with other people but sometimes he doesn't, most of the time he doesn't, in my case anyway. If anything the interference would be a silent prayer. Sometimes I say things to people but it's very rare unless it's someone in the congregation here or someone that's very close to me. Very exciting way to live.
I had a very exciting experience the other day, you probably have heard my testimony about the Lord sending me to a particular shop to have my nails done, and that everyone in the shop is Taiwanese, and I knew that the Lord was sending me there because minute ride from my house with nail shops right up the street, but I didn't know which way it would go. And there was a young man there, that after been going there for a while, happened to tell me about his past at Vietnam, and I got the impression that he was very lonely and there were only a few Taiwanese families in this area, and I walked out of that shop and I cried for him all the way home, and shortly thereafter, he got this adorable little Vietnamese girl that he is engaged to now, and I found out that they were Christians, I thought he was a Buddhists, because the woman who does my nails was a Buddhists, I thought they were all Buddhists. But it turned out that this young man that I cried for was a Christian, and his fiancé is a Christian. Well something very strange is going on there because when I go into the shop now, he won't even look at me, he won't even look in my direction, I can barely get him to say hello or goodbye to me, if he says hello or goodbye to me. So I was in there last week, it was so obvious that I prayed about it, I said, Wow, I don't know, this young man has a problem, either he's embarrassed that he told what he told me about his life or there's something about me that's really bothering him, and as my nails were drying I was praying about it and he was sitting there with his back to me. He had put his head down when I walked by, I said hello to his fiancé, he had put his head down.
And when I got up to leave, just before I got up to leave, he turned around, he stood up and he looked at me, he had the strangest look on his face, and it was a look of I believe that he perceives the spirit on me but he doesn't know what it is, he can't figure out what it is, and he was just staring at me. And I just waved at him and his fiancé and said well by have a nice day, he didn't wave back and he didn't say anything, he was just staring at me with this strange look on his face. And that night or the next night the Lord gave me a prayer for him. And as I was praying for him the word of knowledge came forth that his father was a pastor in Vietnam and I knew that his father had died during the Vietnamese war for his resistance. And this word of knowledge came forth that his father was a pastor, a very devoted man of God and that this young man that's here in the United States that he has really suffered because of his father's service, and I knew that, that was Christ in crying for him, I cried all the way home from the shop.
Now of course this was a couple of months later, that I'm getting this word of knowledge that he's called and that he's going to bear the manchild, and all of these wonderful things about him. So I found that was really exciting to get that supernatural word. So the question is, it's going to interesting to see what the Lord has me to do, am I going to walk into the nail shop, and say, "Ah so your father was a pastor in Vietnam was he?" I'll have to see what the Lord wants me to do. But it took me a long time to get up the nerve to ask if they were Christians, because that's such a touchy subject you know, and I found out that they were Christians, they're not Buddhists you know. So this is so amazing what God does you know. Several months ago, I had been going through a difficult period and I was experiencing some depression, and I had said, Lord I can't pull out of this depression, this was six to eight months ago. I just don't know what to do, I'm doing everything I know how to do, I can't pull out of it, and he said to me, start doing your nails. And I thought that the Lord was giving me this gift, which it really did cheer me up getting my nails done, I thought God was giving me this gift to help cheer me up, and maybe he was, everything he does has multiple purposes, and I wind up in a Vietnamese nail shop with these people, they work very long hours, they work from like 9:30 in the morning til 9:30 at night, they stay there and they're very hard workers, they work all day and all night, I probably would have never had an opportunity to get to minister to this young man if I was not getting my nails done. So to me this is just absolutely mind boggling what God is doing.
But the service, what I've been talking to you about tonight in many round about ways is ministry in Christ Jesus. It's very different than ministry in the church world. Most ministry in Christ Jesus it's one on one, and you go as a sent person and the Lord never tells you what he's doing. So obedience to Christ Jesus is essential because he doesn't tell you Judy Smith, I have ministry for you in such a such a restaurant or in such a beauty parlor, or in such and such a dress shop or on the golf course and I want you to go and, he doesn't do that. What Christ Jesus does is he controls your life and when you are in obedience and you do what he tells you, and you just live your life, he uses the natural experiences of your life, and when you have that intimate relationship with him that he really is involved in everything that you do, he will move through the everyday experiences of your life to give you ministry.
But if you're looking for ministry, if you're desiring ministry, if you're seeking to stir it up for yourself, that is an act of your will which comes out of your carnal mind, and if you're doing that it's crushing the ministry in Christ Jesus, because the two do no co-exist. You've got to give up your lust for ministry, just desire to serve Jesus and live your natural life, and he will move through your natural life, wherever you go, there'll be people to pray for, you'll see situations in the Genovese drug store, in the super market, on your job. There's people to pray for and then on occasion he will have you actually, well this young man doesn't know what I did for him, I cried tears, tears poured out of my eyes, I almost couldn't even drive the car, and you know I don't cry anymore, except out of Christ Jesus. There was quite a few years when I went under judgment, but I don't cry anymore unless Christ Jesus cries through me, and I cried all the way home, big tears, I was all wet when I got home, he has no idea what I did for him. All I know is that he sees me and he sees something about me is disturbing him, but I haven't done anything wrong, so he doesn't know what to make out of it. It's a spiritual connection there, you know when you cry for somebody like that, that forms a spirit tie, did you know that? When you travail for somebody like that in the spirit, that connects you to that person and if that person is spiritually sensitive, it touches them, but you see, we can be spiritually sensitive without understanding, and this is the whole principle and the whole reason that explains how important it is that we understand these things. We understand the doctrine of Christ we understand how spirituality works, we understand how spirit and soul ties work. Otherwise we walk around feeling drawn to another person, possibly thinking the reason that we're drawn is a wrong motive. I think that a lot of people are drawn to Christ in another person and it registers as a sexual lust, I think that's very common. Actually I've heard from several ministries over the years that there have been trouble in ministries where two married people who are not married to each other, both have a high spiritual anointing and get to know each other in the church and they think that they're in love and they leave their respective mates and get divorced to marry each other.
It's the pull of the spirit that Satan lays a hold of and makes it something that it's not suppose to be. You have to really be careful for that. Spiritual people attract one another. You cannot let it become a sexual thing, because that's not what it is, that would be Satan misusing it. If you're drawn to another person, it could be the spirit on them, or it could be the person you know, I have had experiences where I've been sitting in a room and I keep looking, I had one particular incident in mind, there was a room full of people, and I just kept looking at this man, I couldn't take my eyes off of this man, and I didn't know why I was doing it, and a series of events followed which I won't describe on this tape, but it turned out that he was looking, his face was not towards me, but his mind was on me, and I heard some things about this man that made me decide that I really did not want a relationship with him, aside from the fact that he wasn't a Christian, I could have a relationship with someone who is not a Christian, I have a relationship with my neighbor who's not a Christian, you know you talk you work with people they don't have to be a Christian, but this man was not a wholesome man, and he was not looking towards me with wholesome ideas, and I didn't want anything to do with it. Every time I went into that room, I felt my eyes drawn to him, I had to actually force myself to not look in his direction, and there was no physical sign that he was thinking towards me, no physical sign whatsoever. This was all mind control coming from him, and if I had yielded to it, I would have thought that I was interested in him and possibly even pursued him and the whole time it was mind drawing me, but I resisted it, just as you in the future will resist that mind that's inside of you.
You see, the gnawing can be from Satan inside of you or it could be from someone's mind control gnawing at you trying to force you to do something that you don't want to do. Well finally it came out into the surface, there was no eye contact, there was nothing, it was all undercover, and then finally after several weeks of this, a word was never said, he just looked at me and shrugged his shoulders as if to say, well what's the problem why haven't you responded to me?
And I just walked right past him, I didn't want to, he was really not a clean man, I didn't want anything to do with him. I mean that is quite amazing, that he obviously knew what he was doing, because after several weeks of this, that was the look on his face, well come on what are you waiting for, you know, held out his hands like this, and I just walked right past him. Brethren we relate to one another on other levels, levels other than verbal, and if the only level of communication that we are aware of is verbal, we can be at a great disadvantage. For generations people were protected from this kind of mind control, by being under the law. Thou shalt not, thou shalt not, thou shalt not, I don't care what I'm feeling, thou shalt not. But the laws are crumbling, we're surrounded by people, we're living in a society where the laws are crumbling, and all kinds of sin is now legal in this country, and we're surrounded, this whole country is filled with people who are practicing all kinds of acts that are forbidden in the Scripture, and when people live in a country or live in your local area, that practice forbidden acts that affects the spiritual atmosphere of your local area and of the whole nation, it affects the spiritual atmosphere where sin is going on.
And when you live in a country or a state where fornication and incest and homosexuality is practiced and acceptable, it affects the spiritual air that you breathe. So from that point of view, the law is crumbling in this nation. Do you understand what I'm saying, when you live in a nation where incest is illegal, where homosexuality is illegal, where adultery is illegal, do you know there are still states that have laws against adultery on the books but they don't enforce it. When you live in a nation where all of these Scriptural sins are illegal and the majority of the people are living by them and the people who don't live by them are considered deviates and they're hiding and it's in the closet to do it, there is a spiritual atmosphere that we live in that strengthens our own conviction to not live in these sins, but when the laws of the land change, when it becomes legal to murder babies, when homosexuality is legal, when adultery becomes legal, and all kinds of other perverse things become legal, it affects the spiritual air that we breathe.
There is a spiritual air that we breathe, and the pressure to yield to this new ambiance, the pressure to yield to this new atmosphere, this new spiritual atmosphere, starts to attack our internal conviction to live according to the Scripture. Does anyone not know what I'm talking about? We live in a cloud, look at it this way, we live inside of a spiritual cloud, which is true, we're a spiritual sea, and there are elements in this cloud that we live in, and when the elements outside of us in the cloud match up to the elements inside of us, thou shalt not commit adultery, a man shalt not lie with a man as he lies with a woman, when those laws exist as spiritual particles in the spiritual atmosphere, and they agree with the spiritual atmosphere inside of us, we are equalized, and the spiritual atmosphere of the nation or the local area strengthens our own spiritual conviction.
But when the laws of the land change and more and more people are practicing sin, that atmosphere of the cloud that we live in becomes hostile to the atmosphere inside of us. And the atmosphere of the spiritual cloud that we live in, starts to attack us in the form of subtle pressures to yield up the spiritual conviction that's inside of us. And if we're not standing firmly grounded and rooted in Christ Jesus knowing what is right and wrong and drawing upon the strength of Christ Jesus to not do it, we will be manipulated as you were manipulated today. Because the negative principles and the spiritual atmosphere will communicate with the negative principles within us. Today you heard from a negative principle within you, when you walk in a group of people that have certain beliefs, there's a certain spiritual ambiance, it's an atmosphere that everyone walks in their own cloud and then we walk in a collective cloud, and it presses on you, and there's a pressure on you for the negative influences inside of yourself to agree with the negative influences outside.
I was watching Hannity and Colmes the other night and they had Ruth, I think her name is Ruth, I may have her first name wrong, her last name is Schellisnger, and she is a talk show host, she's also a certified licensed counselor or therapist, I don't know exactly what her title is, and she a woman who practices the Jewish religion, and she believes in the moral teachings of the Scripture, she was on this program, she was very incensed because I'm sorry but my details are not going to be accurate, but there was some psychological newspaper, I'm sorry not newspaper, psychological paper, a research paper that was published and endorsed by I believe it was the association of psychologists saying that incest does not hurt children, and that children should have the right to consent to having sex with adults if they want to, and in particular man boy relationships are not harmful to the child, and the children should have the right to make this choice if they want to.
Now there is actually an organization in this nation, I think it begins with an "n" the national organization of the man boy love or something like that, there is a big movement or I don't know how big it is but it's a powerful movement to bring down, to dissolve incest laws and make it legal for adult to have sex with children, and in particular homosexual sex with boys. This is a practice that was very common in ancient Greece. You see I remember the day when and again I don't have the correct name of the organization, it was some psychological organization that had authority in the land, and this was probably 30 years ago, probably a good 30 years ago, when they declared that homosexuality was not an aberration it was not an emotional disorder, and I for whatever reason, it really impacted me because I remember I was working in wall street at the time and I was having lunch with a friend of mine sitting on a stoop somewhere and I said to them, and I can't remember who I was with, but I was saying to my friend, how can they say such a thing? You see and it's interesting because this doctor Schellisnger answered that question for me that I asked 30 years ago. How could these psychologists or psychiatrists come to such a conclusion and this doctor Schellisnger said on the show, because now it's a similar organization that says incest won't hurt children, and man boy sex is okay.
So she who have felt as a counselor or whatever her title is a psychologist, she says when an organization passes opinion paper like this, and the whole country looks at them, they're suppose to be the experts, this opinion paper is not based on a scientific study, it's based on a vote. There's a board of doctors who represent this organization, and each of those doctors have their opinion, and they sit down and they vote and if the majority of the psychologists or psychiatrists on the board say that man boy sex is not harmful to children, that becomes the official position of the organization. So well all of the professions have been infiltrated by homosexuals, they're educated, they're intelligent, they make good salaries, they put a lot of money into breaking down the legislation in this nation that is based on Scriptural principles, and we see the seduction. 30 years ago, I wasn't really in God thirty years ago.
I mean I had met the Lord when I was a little girl, but I really, I mean I certainly wasn't where I am now, I wasn't reading the Bible or anything, and it penetrated me, I never forgot it. The day that the psychiatric association changed its position, for years it's position had been homosexuality was abnormal and if that was your lifestyle you needed psychotherapy to help you. And they wiped out and said it's just alternate lifestyle, it's normal. And now 30 years ago, we saw at least to my knowledge the first step down the primrose path, the first step of descent away from the protection that we have by living under the laws of God.
And we find that it was just a vote, isn't that interesting, I got an answer to a question I asked thirty years ago. How did the psychiatric organization come to that conclusion that for all these years it's been a sickness and now all of a sudden it's not a sickness, and I now know the answer, it was they just took a vote. So homosexuals or homosexual sympathizers penetrated the headship of the organization and changed the vote, and now 30 years later, we see a similar organization, I don't know that it's the same organization, taking this position that not only adult child sex but man boy sex is acceptable and that the child, the little boy should have the right to choose.
See the whole principle of the sexual harassment laws in our land that say that a superior should not be sexually, that a sexual harassment, if a superior is involved in a relationship with an employee or an officer of the army is involved in a relationship with an enlisted person, the whole principle behind the prohibition here is that authority issues go very deep, that to say well the maid in the house of the multimillionaire, maybe they really fell in love, or maybe the authority of the multimillionaire influenced the maid, or maybe the office of the president, even I don't want bring that old can of worms up again, but even if the intern was looking for an illicit relationship herself, the point is that you cannot have a relationship between someone who has such power, and a lesser a person, not that the person was lesser, but that their position is lesser, and say that the person in the lesser position is not influenced by the powerful person. Whether that powerful person is the president or the head of an organization or the man that the, the lawyer that the secretary works for, or the parent of the child, or the uncle of the child, it's not a fifty-fifty relationship. The person that's in the lesser position comes under the influence of the powerful person, and this is the principle behind the sexual harassment laws, that they say for someone in a leadership position is engaged in a sexual liaison with someone who's not in the office category, they call it sexual harassment.
So we see that the country is going down the primrose path. I think I would like to do a drawing for you about this spiritual cloud that we live in and how it influences us. Again the Lord has me teach a lot about spiritual, the principles of physics, I'm really no expert on physics, but I'm seeing an image in my mind and I believe that's it's demonstrating a principle of physics, I'll put it on the board for you as best as I can. And what I'm seeing in my mind is that I'm seeing a man and it's as if to say we have water inside of us, we have energy inside of us, and we're living inside of this big energy cloud, which can be likened to living under the sea, and there's pressure in that sea. When you go do deep sea diving there's pressure in that deep sea diving and it crushes, water pressure will crush you that's why you need a diving suit when go down very deep, you need a diving suit, and what I'm seeing in my mind right now is that when the pressure of the spiritual sea that we live in becomes so great it crushes the water inside of us, it causes it to collapse, and I think that's what a black hole is.
Well I'm going to start drawing and we'll see what the Lord has me to put on the board for you. This drawing shows the internal sea, everyone of us has an internal sea within us, and the external sea, you can call it the external sea or the spiritual atmosphere or the group mind, or Satan's cosmic sea, and we see that there's an equalization between the pressure in the individual, and the pressure outside the individual. They're equal. So the internal atmosphere and the group atmosphere are equal, the person is content and they do not feel pressured. Now this could be a righteous atmosphere or an unrighteous atmosphere. In a righteous atmosphere if the person has the Spirit of God inside of them and they exist in a community that acknowledges the Lord, they're at peace, but this could be in a bar down in a low section of town.
If the internal condition of the person is equal to the group mind of the crowd that he's with, he's is comfortable, he's comfortable. It could be negative or it could be positive. I'll draw another drawing and I'll show you what happened when that person who's comfortable in the bar in a low section of town, comes into a church where there's the strong power of Christ, or someone from any kind of society comes into contact with another society, there's a pressure. I know that I had a neighbor once, who was taking a master's degree at Stony Brook University in music, and she really thought kindly of me, she invited me to dinner one night, and she had several people from the university there, and it never occurred to her that, that was a big mistake, because all they talked about was this advanced music. I don't remember what they were talking about but I didn't understand one word that they were saying, and although I found it interesting somewhat I had absolutely no contribution to the conversation, I really was fish out of water, I really was out of place there, and she realized it and apologized to me, you know.
Now it just so happens that in situations like that I have a lot of confidence, I mean I am able to just sit back, and acknowledge that well, you know, they're taking their master's degree in music and I'm not I don't even have the beginnings of being a musician, but I still have enough confidence in myself to say, well that's just the way it is, I'm not going to be uncomfortable, I'll just sit back and relax. But the average person would be very pressured and feel very uncomfortable, because the internal environment did not match up with the external environment.
So this is the situation that exists from person to person and from location to location, and from situation to situation. A lot of people would come into this room tonight and be very uncomfortable. I actually was at a service at a church once where a visiting person said to me, I was very uncomfortable in that service. The internal environment does not line up with the external environment. If you're in an environment where the Spirit of Christ is moving in great power, and the sea within you is all Satan, Satan is going to feel very pressured.
And then also we read in the Scripture that Satan is being put in the bottomless pit. Well that applies here also, maybe I should just draw it on the board for you. Let me just draw the next drawing. This is drawing #2, and we see that the internal atmosphere is positive and the external atmosphere is negative. This is a person with a righteous spirit, in an atmosphere or an ambiance of sin, this would a person who is moving in Christ Jesus, sitting down at that bar and that spiritually low section of town. They're distressed, they're afflicted by the atmosphere outside of them. Now brethren this is something that you're all if you're not going through it yet, you will be going through, this is what you've been hearing me talk about for years, when I say there's a lot of pressure in the spirit. Christ Jesus in me is matured to a degree that he's bringing forth this doctrine and everything that's coming out of this ministry, and when a negative, when people talk about me or pray against me or are afraid of the doctrine, a lot of people are afraid of this doctrine, it sounds so radically different than what it being taught in the church world, a lot of people have fear, and that well fear is not of God it comes out of Satan, and Leviathan, so it's a negative spirit, and I feel this, I feel it and when Christ Jesus in me stands strong, I am afflicted.
You see, you were uncomfortable today, there was a gnawing at you, a gnawing at you, and you were uncomfortable, and as soon as you said what you knew you shouldn't say, you weren't uncomfortable anymore, the gnawing stopped right? Well we're all going to come to the place, if you're not already there where we cannot yield to that gnawing or that pressure, okay, because that would betrayal of Christ Jesus in the midst of us.
So we pray and we break curses and we do whatever we know how to do, and sometimes we can break up that negative energy cloud, and break the pressure that it's putting on us and sometimes we can't. I have had experiences where I could not break it, and the only way to get deliverance was stand in Christ Jesus, put my mind on my work, do what I do spiritual work, that raises up Christ Jesus in me and you ignore it, you live under the pressure and you ignore it, until the manifesting Christ in you because you're doing the work of God, somehow it dissipates, and I don't even know exactly how it works, but it depends on where you are in Christ.
There was a time in my life where I could break curses and it would go away, but you see we ascend spiritually, I'm ascending spiritually, maybe when I was still in my belly, and I broke curses the pressure would go away, maybe when I was in the heart center and got two or three of you to pray for me, we can make the pressure go away, but over the last couple of years, I think I'm in my throat center, that's where I believe I am, I can't tell you that for a hundred percent, but I think I'm in my throat center most of the time. When I ascended into my throat center breaking curses stopped working. Calling you all to pray for me stopped working. And then there was a period of time when I would call you up and I would say, "Well the prayers don't really help, just talk to me, somehow when Christ Jesus in me touches Christ Jesus in you I get additional strength". That doesn't work anymore either. I've ascended to a place where none of that works. When the only thing that works is a discipline of mind which enables me to concentrate on my work despite the pressure, I couldn't always do this.
In past years the pressure has been so intense that on occasion that I couldn't concentrate on my work, but I'm at a place now because I've fought the war, I haven't given up, I've continuously fought the war, and I'm at a place now where most of the time, I don't know what's coming tomorrow, I certainly don't want to say this out of a haughty spirit because I would rather not be tested, unless I have no choice about it, but what's been going on in my life for the last year to two is that the Lord has given me the strength no matter how heavy the pressure is to concentrate on the doctrine of Christ, and it breaks. Sometimes I've had occasions where I've lived in this kind of pressure for days at a time.
But this is a part of the overcoming of Satan, that no matter how much pressure she puts on you, and by the way that cloud around you, around the person on the board, that atmosphere is formed by people's thoughts, that's all energy coming out of people's minds towards the person who's standing in Christ, people who are afraid of my doctrine, people who are afraid of me, people who think that they're doing God a favor by praying against me, it all comes at me as negative energy that is opposing my spiritual equilibrium within my own individual person. And I have to learn, and if you're not, if you haven't experienced it yet you will be to function under that pressure. This is a part of the overcoming.
See, when I was younger in Christ, I would break the curses, I would try and make the pressure go away, I would try and make the pain go away, I'd call up everybody that assisted me in these things, but the ultimate deliverance is to break Satan's power over you, the ultimate deliverance is to be able to function no matter how much pressure she's pouring out to just go forward with your life, and do everything that you're suppose to do, put in productive work day, preach every time I'm supposed to preach, do everything I'm suppose to do, and not be stopped by this energy cloud of negative energy that's surrounding me. That is the ultimate victory.
And I believe that as we come to that place, where we function in the midst of the pressure, at some point, the spirit of Christ rises up in us, and goes forth and attacks, reverses the whole thing you see. This person is all constricted here but they're standing, and if you don't capitulate if you don't yield to the pressure, whatever that pressure might be, don't preach tonight, cancel the meeting tonight, don't get that online meeting out for publication, have a fight with somebody, whatever the pressure is trying to get you to do, if you get to the point that you are completely functioning despite the pressure, and this external pressure is not affecting your internal equilibrium, you've just adjusted, and you just completely function under all the pressure okay, at some point the Spirit of Christ rises up out of this person and starts attacking outward, starts attacking outward. The natural example would be some big bully is coming after you and backing you into a corner and backing you into a corner and you're being backed into a corner, you don't want to fight, and then all of a sudden something just rises up within you and you go back at them, that's what's happening, that's what's happening.
And as we get stronger and stronger, and stand under the pressure and stand under the pressure, Christ Jesus in us is maturing and at some point, the Spirit of Christ rises up and goes beyond the consciousness of our personality and attacks that negative energy and we're delivered. And this is an excellent example of the Scriptural principle that says, "Lean not to your own understanding, don't try to do it in the flesh, serve God and everything will take care of itself, this is the spiritual principle. You will never defeat Satan in your own strength. And as you serve the indwelling Christ Jesus, the Spirit of Christ will rise up and fight on a spiritual level, I live under the most incredible pressure, and it's in this house, I've told you all that sometimes I go away for periods of time and I come back and as soon as I get into the house, I'm hit with an oppression, it's in the house. Although lately I'm doing very great, I do have periods of time where I'm very oppressed, there's a lot that comes against me. So these last few weeks that I'm doing so well to be honest with you, I don't know whether I'm just overcoming and I'm happy and joyful despite all the oppression, or whether I can't even say the pressure isn't that great, because the pressure is intense in this house, pressure is absolutely intense here, but you don't run, you just fulfill your assignment, you do what you have to do to the best of your ability and you just get stronger and stronger, until you turn or Christ in you turns and attacks and then you become the aggressor for righteousness.
At that point you are a force in Christ to be feared. As I've told you many times, I know that I have a lot of power to do a lot of things, but I don't seem to have the strength to, I don't seem to be too strong when it comes to helping people be healed, and probably the reason for that as I've told you many times is that in this hour, that you're all pregnant with Christ, the Lord isn't giving us healing isn't giving us external healings, the way he's healing us is that he's converting our personality into the new man which is Christ Jesus and when we overcome the sin in our spiritual being that is giving place to these illnesses we will be healed as we walk with him, as we serve him, as we do all the things that he showed us to do. Right now what the mature people in this ministry are up to are transcribing, the Lord has shown us that a powerful way to get the word deep inside of you, so we have people transcribing audio tapes, whatever you're up to, whatever tool he's giving you at the time, you do it, and you just walk with God and he gets stronger and stronger in you, so that you have more and more power to withstand the pressure. Because the pressure, well I guess that's another drawing so I'll have to do a drawing #3, because this man is withstanding the pressure, and he's in great distress, you see, but and so I guess what I'm trying to say is this, that if you hold on long enough, the Spirit of Christ rises up and attacks the negative energy, but some people capitulate, that's what happened to you today. They didn't hold, stand up against the pressure, they collapsed against the pressure and the negative energy comes flooding into them, and they become at that moment a spokesperson for Satan. Let me try and put that on the board for you. This is drawing #3, and we see that this person, I guess I made her look like a lady, because she's a spiritual female whether this person is a physical female or a physical male, they're a spiritual female, so I guess that's why I made her look like a female, I'm not really sure why I did it. We see that her internal pressure, she has buckled, this person has buckled under the external pressure, and her internal spirit has come into agreement with the external pressure. And this is what Jesus is talking about when he says, "Your righteousness has become unrighteousness, and your salt has lost its savor, the ability of the indwelling spirit in you to preserve you from the external pressure, which is Satan, has lost its savor. The human spirit within you that was joined to Christ has yielded up Christ, has sacrificed Christ and is now in agreement with Satan coming in external pressure. So that spirit in you which has the power to preserve your personality through union with Christ Jesus has now lost its ability to preserve you because he is now joined and in agreement with Satan, this person has buckled under pressure. That means pressure coming from your wife, pressure coming from your husband, pressure coming from your children, and even ungodly pressure coming from any authority figure, even if a pastor exerts an ungodly pressure on you and you yield to it, it's your responsibility through communication with the Lord to determine whether that pressure that your pastor is putting you under is Godly or ungodly.
Is it unrighteous, are they interfering with your home life, are they demanding money that they have no right to demand, are they demanding service that you feel you can't give. I'm talking about pointing out sin to you, are they interfering in your life, are they demanding that, is your pastor demanding that you obey their instruction with regard to your private life. I'm not talking about the exposure of sin, we are to resist ungodly pressure, if you're a woman and your husband is exerting an ungodly pressure on you, you're suppose, if it's unrighteous, you're suppose to refuse to do it. I had a woman here when the ministry first started eleven years ago, who engaged in three way sex, and lesbian sex because her husband pressured her, you're not suppose to yield to that! That's not what the Scripture means when it says honor your husband!
So we see that this person is now smiling and happy because the pressure is gone, there's no more gnawing inside of them, they're not uncomfortable anymore, and they have peace, they are now, their internal condition is in agreement with the external atmosphere, that external atmosphere can be right in your own family, your husband, your wife, your children. Satan uses children a lot to turn parents away from service to the Lord. You feel happy and you think you're at peace, peace, peace but there is no peace. What has happened is you have made peace with Satan, that's what's happened, you've made peace with Satan, but the peace with Satan is a false peace. The only real peace is the peace that you have with God, and the only way you have peace with the Lord is to be in submission to him. Peace with Satan is a false peace, why? Because Satan the very one who has made peace with you will rise up to punish you the very first sign of you doing the slightest thing wrong because that's what Satan does.
Satan condemns you and humiliates you for error and for sin. So when you take your allegiance from the Lord Jesus and you join it to Satan, you can expect to walk under condemnation, and severe punishment for every error that you make.
But it's very hard to face the fact that when you have peace after you've been so uncomfortable spiritually, that what you have done is you've made peace with Satan. There is war everyday in the spirit, when you serve Christ Jesus, everyday Satan comes to you and puts pressure on you to cause you to line up with your internal spirit, with your mind, with your thinking, with your spiritual members, to line up with Satan, she pressures you continuously, and the higher you ascend, the more she pressures you.
Now in the event that we break, and we come into agreement with Satan which is a betrayal of Christ Jesus, at that moment we're a Christ killer, but we all do it, you see, and then the Lord Jesus comes and raises Christ Jesus in us from the dead. That's why we can't make it without the Lord Jesus, because we kill Christ all the day long, all of us do. I don't believe a day goes by that we don't kill Christ in some way. So if you're faithfully following the Lord to the best of your ability, this condition is temporary. Now the Lord Jesus, the glorified Jesus Christ comes and raises Christ from the dead in you, as soon as you repent, you have to repent, raises Christ from the dead in you and you go back to the other condition.